I had a cinematic moment today.
I was walking down the street, a guy walking next to me and our eyes met. It was one of those looks that held a bit of weight, an understanding without explanation. We kept walking at the same speed, almost as if we were both lonely and just walking beside a complete stranger was the closest thing to intimacy we could find. When I stopped at a light, to turn, he kept walking and looked back staring me right in the eye. It seems so silly and simple but I haven"t been able to shake the feeling it left me with. I wish I had said something; I wish I hadn't had head phones in. I wish I didn't try to keep the world at bay while wishing so badly someone would come by and understand me.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Monday, October 3, 2011
Everyone keeps asking me how I like school. Why I'm here. What I want to do with myself. At first my answer was that I wanted to gain knowledge, I wanted to expand my mind and just learn. I was never after a degree. What the heck am I going to do with a degree in Poli Sci anyway?
But I don't want to just sit around and hoard all this knowledge just for another collection to flaunt. I want to be wise not knowledgeable, I could give a rats ass about knowledge if there is no wisdom. I don't want to sit in a stiff classroom. I want to teach English in Thailand, learn about every type of spiritual belief out there, walk through a redwood forest, stare into the face of God in Spain. I don't feel ready to be so confined...and I hope I never am. I want life experience not book smarts. I would much rather be surrounded by people who know how to live and how to love than someone who can tell me all about the past and theorize about the future. I want to know the feelings not the facts. The dreams not the past.
Education is a big lousy joke.
Or maybe I'm just delusional.
But I don't want to just sit around and hoard all this knowledge just for another collection to flaunt. I want to be wise not knowledgeable, I could give a rats ass about knowledge if there is no wisdom. I don't want to sit in a stiff classroom. I want to teach English in Thailand, learn about every type of spiritual belief out there, walk through a redwood forest, stare into the face of God in Spain. I don't feel ready to be so confined...and I hope I never am. I want life experience not book smarts. I would much rather be surrounded by people who know how to live and how to love than someone who can tell me all about the past and theorize about the future. I want to know the feelings not the facts. The dreams not the past.
Education is a big lousy joke.
Or maybe I'm just delusional.
Apathy
Everything has become so meaningless.
I don't remember how to feel passionate, I don't remember how to motivate myself. I'm selfish and lazy. I want so badly to care... it bothers me so much that I can't be bothered.
I guess I've been floating for a while but I've only just noticed that nothing is holding me down. And noticing is the first step to changing but it hurts so much to try and fix myself. And it's even harder to give it to God.
I just want to be wholesome and pure; I want to be what everyone needs me to be. I want to LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE! But all I can do is sleep. My life has become a sad, dry, cycle.
Cycle and recycle the same ideas, the same feelings. I'm so tired of consuming everything around me; I need time to take it all in, to sift through it. I need to get rid of the pointless information the shallow insignificant bits and pieces I seem to care so much about and figure out what is really important.
I need to feed my soul with the beauties of the world and the depth of spirituality. I need something to sustain myself. A big juicy piece of LIFE. I'm so hungry. I want to devour the day and let it's flesh sink under my teeth, let the fresh sweet juice dribble down my chin.
So why do I day after day sink back into my chair defeated before even trying?
I'm beginning to despise myself for it.
HUMBLE ME
PUSH ME IN THE DIRT
MAKE ME FEEL
anything.
I'm teaching myself to be still again. I will get there, I have complete faith in my God that He won't let me fail. He is the only one I can count on to always have my back.
I don't remember how to feel passionate, I don't remember how to motivate myself. I'm selfish and lazy. I want so badly to care... it bothers me so much that I can't be bothered.
I guess I've been floating for a while but I've only just noticed that nothing is holding me down. And noticing is the first step to changing but it hurts so much to try and fix myself. And it's even harder to give it to God.
I just want to be wholesome and pure; I want to be what everyone needs me to be. I want to LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE! But all I can do is sleep. My life has become a sad, dry, cycle.
Cycle and recycle the same ideas, the same feelings. I'm so tired of consuming everything around me; I need time to take it all in, to sift through it. I need to get rid of the pointless information the shallow insignificant bits and pieces I seem to care so much about and figure out what is really important.
I need to feed my soul with the beauties of the world and the depth of spirituality. I need something to sustain myself. A big juicy piece of LIFE. I'm so hungry. I want to devour the day and let it's flesh sink under my teeth, let the fresh sweet juice dribble down my chin.
So why do I day after day sink back into my chair defeated before even trying?
I'm beginning to despise myself for it.
HUMBLE ME
PUSH ME IN THE DIRT
MAKE ME FEEL
anything.
I'm teaching myself to be still again. I will get there, I have complete faith in my God that He won't let me fail. He is the only one I can count on to always have my back.
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