I had a cinematic moment today.
I was walking down the street, a guy walking next to me and our eyes met. It was one of those looks that held a bit of weight, an understanding without explanation. We kept walking at the same speed, almost as if we were both lonely and just walking beside a complete stranger was the closest thing to intimacy we could find. When I stopped at a light, to turn, he kept walking and looked back staring me right in the eye. It seems so silly and simple but I haven"t been able to shake the feeling it left me with. I wish I had said something; I wish I hadn't had head phones in. I wish I didn't try to keep the world at bay while wishing so badly someone would come by and understand me.

Everyone keeps asking me how I like school. Why I'm here. What I want to do with myself. At first my answer was that I wanted to gain knowledge, I wanted to expand my mind and just learn. I was never after a degree. What the heck am I going to do with a degree in Poli Sci anyway?
But I don't want to just sit around and hoard all this knowledge just for another collection to flaunt. I want to be wise not knowledgeable, I could give a rats ass about knowledge if there is no wisdom. I don't want to sit in a stiff classroom. I want to teach English in Thailand, learn about every type of spiritual belief out there, walk through a redwood forest, stare into the face of God in Spain. I don't feel ready to be so confined...and I hope I never am. I want life experience not book smarts. I would much rather be surrounded by people who know how to live and how to love than someone who can tell me all about the past and theorize about the future. I want to know the feelings not the facts. The dreams not the past.
Education is a big lousy joke.
Or maybe I'm just delusional.

Apathy

Everything has become so meaningless.
I don't remember how to feel passionate, I don't remember how to motivate myself. I'm selfish and lazy. I want so badly to care... it bothers me so much that I can't be bothered.
I guess I've been floating for a while but I've only just noticed that nothing is holding me down. And noticing is the first step to changing but it hurts so much to try and fix myself. And it's even harder to give it to God.
I just want to be wholesome and pure; I want to be what everyone needs me to be. I want to LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE! But all I can do is sleep. My life has become a sad, dry, cycle.
Cycle and recycle the same ideas, the same feelings. I'm so tired of consuming everything around me; I need time to take it all in, to sift through it. I need to get rid of the pointless information the shallow insignificant bits and pieces I seem to care so much about and figure out what is really important.
I need to feed my soul with the beauties of the world and the depth of spirituality. I need something to sustain myself. A big juicy piece of LIFE. I'm so hungry. I want to devour the day and let it's flesh sink under my teeth, let the fresh sweet juice dribble down my chin.
So why do I day after day sink back into my chair defeated before even trying?
I'm beginning to despise myself for it.
HUMBLE ME
PUSH ME IN THE DIRT
MAKE ME FEEL
anything.

I'm teaching myself to be still again. I will get there, I have complete faith in my God that He won't let me fail. He is the only one I can count on to always have  my back.

Somewhere Between Heaven and Happiness

I need some God to sink deep into. I need to immerse myself in his goodness. Dedicate myself to something bigger than what I can see.

But where do I find him?

In good friendships, in the wilderness, in the sunset, in the ocean, in our families, in the feeling of complete calm before you fall asleep. In the sun streaming through the window when you wake. In the feeling of sand between your toes, and grass tickling your ears. In love. But is that enough? I know he is there and I feel him in those moments of pure beauty. And that's how I know he is real. But am I missing out on something he has for me? Do I need to have some super spiritual lifestyle? Or can I just enjoy him in the simplicity of everyday life, and by living everyday in a state of prayer?

Because that I can do. I can see myself happily accepting that there is a wonderful God. And I can see myself speaking with him daily. But much further than that I wouldn't know where to begin.

Nothing Gold Can Stay

About three and a half years ago I met a group of people who became my best friends. We were young and in love with the idea of ourselves and of adventure. We met in a church in the middle of no where but in the center of our separate ways. It took a while for us to grow on each other but eventually we were inseparable (until of course we were separated). This friendship may be one of the most pure and honest things I've experienced. Or maybe that's just how I chose to remember. Either way it was beautiful, though it couldn't last. Time started to erode the very fabric of our friendship, so that one day we no longer recognized who each other had become and that safety we felt in the company of one another was gone. It didn't end in hatred or anger it was simply the natural order of things.
One of the boys in this group and I fell in love and began a relationship that lasted two years. We talked of marriage and children and our futures running wild doing nothing at all but living. We taught each other what it meant to love and the meaning of compassion. He became my life and I became his. But one day we were talking not about our future but about our end. We still felt all the love we ever had, if not more. Yet it ended. That is just how life is.
Every good thing I've experienced has died, but new ones always surface. We all have pieces of beauty in our lives that slowly fade, only leaving room for us to find new ones, better suited love for our changing being. The key to finding the new is to letting go of the old. But what if the new will never compare to what you once had? What if every friendship, every lover, will forever be tainted by the memory of the past? Can you ever truly love like you did when you were young and naive and unafraid? When the future was all you had and the past held little more than your childhood?
I want to visit those bright places in my memory of little concern and high hopes. But there is no way back.  He can't take me back there, I know this with everything inside of my mind but I still believe it not to be true. He was my first and I could never change that. I never would.
Maybe what I need to realize is that nothing good will last but there is beauty in both the beginning and the end. I need to rejoice in the birth and the death of the day.
New things always come.
They already have.

Living in the mystic

I am a young girl, but I'm so much more. I am a French artist. I am a social activist. I am a part of the bread march. I am a German woman putting her country back together after destruction caused by hatred. I am climbing mount everest. I am standing on the moon. I can fly. I have an imaginary friend named William Gilbert, he enjoys tea on Sunday afternoons and wrestling dragons in the evenings. My mother is an elf and my father is a great king. My country needs me to save them from an evil sorcerer. I can leap over tall buildings in a single bound.

 In my imagination I am anything and everything. There are no limits, no guidelines and absolutely no rules. 

And isn't it lovely? The freedom to be whoever we please, with no one telling us we don't reach their expectations. That our smiles aren't white enough or our clothes aren't pressed to their liking. We can be wild and free. Disheveled hair and bare feet, running through the forest of our minds stopping only to catch our breath. The mystery of the mind spreads wide and far, we need only to let go and open up. 

We are so clouded with insecurity and fear. We used to be so young and pure, without a care in the world. We were whoever we wanted to be and no ones opinions mattered as much as our own. If we wanted to explore our minds we did, we got our ideas out, made messes and mistakes. Now we're so tied up in insecurity that nothing reaches our lips. We can't improvise, we can't even imagine things past our own eyes.  If it's not seen, it's not real. But I'm certain there is a multitude of things we will never begin to understand about our universe. The unknowing is wonderful, it leaves so much up to the imagination. I think we were meant to explore theories and ideas, to make up stories to live in our heads as well as in the world. Our brains are beautiful things that make the world a colourful place. Without imagination everything becomes so gray. 

So embrace the child in yourself, let go for a little while. Stop trying to have everything figured out and let yourself be a messy, jubilant child. Wander a bit, get lost, play in the mud. Do something incredibly stupid. And tell people you love them without hesitation. Do something that terrifies you everyday and push yourself out of all that fear you live in. 
I will join you.