Apathy

Everything has become so meaningless.
I don't remember how to feel passionate, I don't remember how to motivate myself. I'm selfish and lazy. I want so badly to care... it bothers me so much that I can't be bothered.
I guess I've been floating for a while but I've only just noticed that nothing is holding me down. And noticing is the first step to changing but it hurts so much to try and fix myself. And it's even harder to give it to God.
I just want to be wholesome and pure; I want to be what everyone needs me to be. I want to LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE! But all I can do is sleep. My life has become a sad, dry, cycle.
Cycle and recycle the same ideas, the same feelings. I'm so tired of consuming everything around me; I need time to take it all in, to sift through it. I need to get rid of the pointless information the shallow insignificant bits and pieces I seem to care so much about and figure out what is really important.
I need to feed my soul with the beauties of the world and the depth of spirituality. I need something to sustain myself. A big juicy piece of LIFE. I'm so hungry. I want to devour the day and let it's flesh sink under my teeth, let the fresh sweet juice dribble down my chin.
So why do I day after day sink back into my chair defeated before even trying?
I'm beginning to despise myself for it.
HUMBLE ME
PUSH ME IN THE DIRT
MAKE ME FEEL
anything.

I'm teaching myself to be still again. I will get there, I have complete faith in my God that He won't let me fail. He is the only one I can count on to always have  my back.